Thursday, first day of snow in Oslo. A white city reveals itself before my eyes and I cannot stop thinking that snow reminds me that today is a white page, a new page, the first day of the rest of my life waiting to be written with my ink. We are the writers of our own books, the creators of our adventures and the beauty is that our book can be written in thousands different ways, in ways we can not yet imagine or think and every day we get a new white page. Go back ten years ago. Did you think your life would be as it is today? So how is it going with your life book?
I have been waking up very early recently. This whole situation started subconsciously I guess or should I say super-subconsciously? I love a good 8 hours of sleep. Not more. I have never been much of a sleeper. Of course like everyone else I also need some long nights of sleep here and there and I love when it happens. I often, however, sleep 6 to 7 hours depending on the day. There is a lot to live out there for me to stay at home sleeping. That has been my perception at least as long as I remember. I remember I used to live with my grandma while at University and back then I would sleep maximum 6 hours per day. “My child are you completely crazy? How long do you think you can keep on going like this. Go back to sleep it’s early”. Well it was not early it was 08.00 or 09.00 o’clock in the morning but I was a late night bird and I would sleep at 02.00 or 03.00, so yes… for me it was early. Me and sleep have never had a long lasting relationship to put it this way, I have been deeply committed to life.
Somewhere in the middle of October I lost my sleep almost completely. I would go to bed at 00.00 and wake up at 03.00 or 04.00 and that was it. In the beginning I thought it would stop. “Just close your eyes, sleep!”. After the first 3 mornings laying wide awake looking at the ceiling … I had it. I jumped out of bed and decided to start my day.
It was 3.30 in the morning (if this is even considered morning/relativity theories?!). I started my day with a big glass of water, yoga, meditation, writing on the blog, then I would have breakfast, a long shower, listen to music, read a few pages of a book, get myself ready, go to work. By 11 I had done so many things for myself. Days became so much longer. Suddenly I had so much time. Today I have gone back to my 6-7 hours University’s years routine. This is why I could do so many things back then, it was not the age, it was the lust for life.
The most beautiful thing that happens to me during the early morning awakening is silence, stillness and getting to spend time with myself, aloneness. I am a very social person. I am a true people’s person. With that said to be social and to be present with others and to make sure you keep contact with your friends and family takes a lot of energy and effort. A lot! It can be draining, truly draining. So the balance between alone time and together time can be lost. In the past I used to have periods where I was completely introvert because being an extrovert took so much effort. Now I am as much of an extrovert person as I am an introvert (most of the times). I know what you think. You cannot be both. Sorry to spill the tea. You can be anything. Anything! Anyone can be anything! Things are not always black and white, they can be yellow and pink, blue and purple. Life is not black and white. Human beings either. Of course there are people that are total introverts or complete extroverts however there are also us, that we are both. We love being with ourselves and we love being with others. Life is not a one way journey. How one can appreciate time with others if one can not appreciate time with oneself?
In the early mornings I found my biggest blessing after being alive and healthy, my aloneness. Aloneness is a beautiful silence, a presence, a fullness, an aliveness, a joy of being, a completeness, an overflowing love, a love for oneself. Aloneness is to spend time with yourself like you would with a friend of yours, you are there to have a great time, to listen, to observe your friend without any judgement. In aloneness that friend is yourself. And you are with yourself every single day, every single hour. Just listen to him or her. Let her or him be. Be your best friend.
I want to specify a very important thing here. Aloneness does not mean loneliness. I think loneliness carries such a heavy meaning. Feeling lonely means to suffer, loneliness expresses the pain to be alone, the absence of a presence, the absence of being present. I have been feeling lonely for years and the most terrifying feeling of all was feeling lonely among others. Loneliness is a dark place, a horrible force that hides the light. And you that you are reading this and you feel lonely you are probably wondering. So how one stops feeling lonely? No one can force oneself to stop feeling loneliness. Pushing yourself
towards one direction or the other just does not work. Let go. If you are feeling lonely at this very moment it’s fine. We have all been there. We all get to feel lonely once in a while. It was quite a journey going from loneliness to aloneness. A difficult path between accepting my feelings and trying to embrace them. It has been a long journey until now and I still have so much to learn.
This early mornings I get my time to be an introvert. I have to admit it is my favourite time of the day. It is the time when everything begins and everything is possible. It is the time of stillness and awareness and the time that I just am… Aloneness, what a word. It could be synonymous with freedom I feel. Just today do not forget, be present for yourself, let your thought flow without any judging feeling, allowing yourself to just be. Today is a new day. “Just be”.
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